I'm Gonna Lose It!: February 2009

Monday, February 9, 2009

NOT GOOD.

I am UP 2 POUNDS. Not good people. Not good.

I am drained by this terrible, weighty feeling. EVERY day, I tell myself, "This is it! This is the day that I am going to start to feel better again, start to take care of myself and enjoy my life!" Then, the day passes, and it happens again.

I have an incredible husband, wonderful friends, and time. That's why I don't understand myself. I feel guilty for feeling so badly when I have so much to be grateful for. I feel miserable.

Nobody is going to come to me, and hand me a magic pill, or all the answers. It's all in me, and I know this. It simply HAS to come out. The days of my life are passing - and I am just letting them go, instead of living them, and seizing the day. THIS IS NOT what I want out of life. I want to be happy. It's time to be happy!!!

My Story

I can't tell you how many times I have said "I"M GONNA LOSE IT" - and how many different situations I have said it in - sometimes while laughing, sometimes while yelling, and many times while crying. I have said it when I have misplaced something for the100th time. I have said it when my patience has been pushed to the very edge. I have said it when I have had to repeat directions to my children more than a few times. I have said it (many times) while looking at my reflection in the mirror - and the unwanted pounds on my body. But I want to be done saying it for that reason. I have spent way, way too long wanting to be done.

About 5 years ago, I hit rock bottom with the depression that came along with being 210 pounds. It is so difficult to see pictures of me at this size, because I see so much behind the smile, that others didn't. With the support of friends and family, and ofcourse, willpower, I lost 60 pounds, going from a size 18/20, to a size 12. I did it the good ol' "more moving and less eating" way. I was 151 pounds when I left California, and even though I still had in mind to lose a little more, I actually felt pretty good.

I never did lose another pound. Infact, shortly after moving to Idaho, it slowly started coming back. So did the depression. I gained about 20 pounds.

Since then, on many occasions I thought I had come close enough to that rock bottom place to where I was ready to "lose it" again. Pun intended. I have made promise after promise to myself. I have started and stopped many attempts at this ever so difficult weightloss challenge. I have lost a few pounds, and gained some back, again and again. I have weighed 164 pounds, give or take a couple, for a very long time now. At one point I told myself that this is just the size I will be forever. I tried to tell myself that it's not that bad - and that I can be happy. I was SO wrong. So, here I am. Again. I have a different feeling about it this time - hard to explain - but it's positive.

Chip suggested keeping a blog this time - putting it out there for all (actually, a carefully selected group) to see. At first I thought he was nuts, but the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Now I am accountable to my readers. That's where all of you come in. I can't do this without your help! I am asking each of you to, if you haven't already, set up an account so you are able to post on my blog. Then I need you to check my progress regularly, and comment!

I am sending this to you because I know you will inspire me along the way.

I am trying to be use my awesome husband's motto he used on his 48 day long bike ride -"I CAN!"

So, here we go.... here's to losing it - the weight, that is! My goal is 145. Honestly, I can't even fathom it, but I know I would feel on top of the world.

Thank you everybody!

I'm Gonna Lose It!

Monday, February 9, 2009

NOT GOOD.

My Story

Blog Archive

started 9/24